Is the relationship gonna end?
Why does it feel more and more like that everyday?
Is she too demanding,
Or am I not understanding?
It just feels that our thinking are so un-alike that it feels that it will not work out in the end?
Is breaking up the solution?
Am I avoiding the unavoidable because of lazy to get out of the comfort zone,
Or am I truly be gutted if breaking up became a reality?

The moment I finally began to enjoy my involvement in gakkai,
she started to say things like she sometimes wish that I'm not so involved...
She is no longer supportive...
She said that she started to have thoughts that we may not end up as happily ever after.
Love or gakkai?
Must I really chose?

Arguement became more frequent...
Patient wearing thinner and thinner...
How long more before I really crack?
Can I not crack?
Why am I always giving in?
Or is she giving in all the time too,
But I'm just too blind to realise?
posted by Nick @ 11:27 AM





I'm not a superman...
I'm not a great man...
I'm not a born leader...
Hell, I'm not even a positive man...

Don't ask me to do super-human stuff...
Don't ask me to following the steps of the great men...
Don't ask me to sacrifice my time for members,
When I don't even have time for my own family and friends,
Whom I genuinely care and worry about.

I need my nights to rest and take a breather...
I need my weekends for my family who are seeing less and less of me...
I'm willing to arrange a few nights for the greater scheme of life...
Don't call me selfish if I can't commit more...
But then again, if wanting to spend more time with my loved one is selfish,
Then so be it...
I rather be a selfish a*rsehole than be a great man...

"You must call upon the potential within yourself" you cried.
But how do you know I'm not?
Why must I be judged against your own lofty standards?
Why must I be traumatised by the your judgement?
Why must I always be force to feel belittled by you?
Why must I be the force of revolution when I'm being pushed out of the revolution?

When trying my best is not enough, I've pushed myself.
When I feel sorry for own contribution, I analysed and changed.
When I feel lost, I seek advise and go back to my point of faith.
Did you ever stopped and looked at my situation?
Did it ever crossed your mind that the problem was never about effort?
Will you ever know that writing all these crap hurts me?
Because as much as you have expectation from me,
I also have expectation from you...
To sympathise me like a human who have his own ups and downs, good and bad.
When the happiness is all gone, what's the point of fighting on?
Who and what am I fighting?
The happiness of all,
Or you?
posted by Nick @ 3:36 AM





I know this day will come someday... I like to write and blogging gives me that platform and opportunity to write; about myself, my struggles, my frustration. This blog will basically gonna be more negative than positive... This is my second blog and the main reason why I started on this is to retain that anonymity while I let my emotion go, without worrying about how it will hurt those around me who read my postings... That moment when my girlfriend went into a fit of anger after misinterpreting a posting I've made in my original blog, I knew immediately that I need another blog, without anyone knowing.... Badly. Its tiring explaining and pacifying her but I love her too much to just let her go... Besides, she is not the first person who get pissed off for what I wrote... So I just took the easy way out and start a new blog.

Just a simple background about myself (simple enough not to give my identity away):

I'm a leader in my religious group. The weird thing is, strictly speaking, I'm not a member of this religious group but rather a believer. I'm not exactly comfortable with this leadership role, simply because I don't think I am knowledgeable enough about the studies of this religion to lead effectively. Moreover, I can never seems to agree with my senior leaders on certain issues... It just drives me nuts at times...

I'm an part-time student studying at night while holding a contract job during the day. A lot of people thinks that I'm smart and that my results are good. Truth is, I'm struggling like mad and my results (for the past one year) are absolutely crap. Basically, my good results during the first year have fooled most people around me and somehow, I'm being stereotyped as it is.

I hate my job. Not because I cannot get along with my colleagues. We actually get along pretty well. I hate my job because its a job that I've out grown it. I need a new challenge, so that I can reignite my drive to work. Don't tell me about asking for new challenges from my boss. The last time I did that, he gave me a new "important responsibility" of franking letters!!! >.<>
posted by Nick @ 10:40 AM

Is the relationship gonna end?
Why does it feel more and more like that everyday?
Is she too demanding,
Or am I not understanding?
It just feels that our thinking are so un-alike that it feels that it will not work out in the end?
Is breaking up the solution?
Am I avoiding the unavoidable because of lazy to get out of the comfort zone,
Or am I truly be gutted if breaking up became a reality?

The moment I finally began to enjoy my involvement in gakkai,
she started to say things like she sometimes wish that I'm not so involved...
She is no longer supportive...
She said that she started to have thoughts that we may not end up as happily ever after.
Love or gakkai?
Must I really chose?

Arguement became more frequent...
Patient wearing thinner and thinner...
How long more before I really crack?
Can I not crack?
Why am I always giving in?
Or is she giving in all the time too,
But I'm just too blind to realise?
posted by Nick @ 11:27 AM





I'm not a superman...
I'm not a great man...
I'm not a born leader...
Hell, I'm not even a positive man...

Don't ask me to do super-human stuff...
Don't ask me to following the steps of the great men...
Don't ask me to sacrifice my time for members,
When I don't even have time for my own family and friends,
Whom I genuinely care and worry about.

I need my nights to rest and take a breather...
I need my weekends for my family who are seeing less and less of me...
I'm willing to arrange a few nights for the greater scheme of life...
Don't call me selfish if I can't commit more...
But then again, if wanting to spend more time with my loved one is selfish,
Then so be it...
I rather be a selfish a*rsehole than be a great man...

"You must call upon the potential within yourself" you cried.
But how do you know I'm not?
Why must I be judged against your own lofty standards?
Why must I be traumatised by the your judgement?
Why must I always be force to feel belittled by you?
Why must I be the force of revolution when I'm being pushed out of the revolution?

When trying my best is not enough, I've pushed myself.
When I feel sorry for own contribution, I analysed and changed.
When I feel lost, I seek advise and go back to my point of faith.
Did you ever stopped and looked at my situation?
Did it ever crossed your mind that the problem was never about effort?
Will you ever know that writing all these crap hurts me?
Because as much as you have expectation from me,
I also have expectation from you...
To sympathise me like a human who have his own ups and downs, good and bad.
When the happiness is all gone, what's the point of fighting on?
Who and what am I fighting?
The happiness of all,
Or you?
posted by Nick @ 3:36 AM





I know this day will come someday... I like to write and blogging gives me that platform and opportunity to write; about myself, my struggles, my frustration. This blog will basically gonna be more negative than positive... This is my second blog and the main reason why I started on this is to retain that anonymity while I let my emotion go, without worrying about how it will hurt those around me who read my postings... That moment when my girlfriend went into a fit of anger after misinterpreting a posting I've made in my original blog, I knew immediately that I need another blog, without anyone knowing.... Badly. Its tiring explaining and pacifying her but I love her too much to just let her go... Besides, she is not the first person who get pissed off for what I wrote... So I just took the easy way out and start a new blog.

Just a simple background about myself (simple enough not to give my identity away):

I'm a leader in my religious group. The weird thing is, strictly speaking, I'm not a member of this religious group but rather a believer. I'm not exactly comfortable with this leadership role, simply because I don't think I am knowledgeable enough about the studies of this religion to lead effectively. Moreover, I can never seems to agree with my senior leaders on certain issues... It just drives me nuts at times...

I'm an part-time student studying at night while holding a contract job during the day. A lot of people thinks that I'm smart and that my results are good. Truth is, I'm struggling like mad and my results (for the past one year) are absolutely crap. Basically, my good results during the first year have fooled most people around me and somehow, I'm being stereotyped as it is.

I hate my job. Not because I cannot get along with my colleagues. We actually get along pretty well. I hate my job because its a job that I've out grown it. I need a new challenge, so that I can reignite my drive to work. Don't tell me about asking for new challenges from my boss. The last time I did that, he gave me a new "important responsibility" of franking letters!!! >.<>
posted by Nick @ 10:40 AM

This is actually my second blog. A blog which I do not want my friends to know... So that i can let this be an outlet of my feelings without worrying about how it may unintentionally hurt those that sees it... Ignorance is sometimes a bless...

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